Verbal Haze

The Only Insect Worth A Shit

Alright, so if you don’t think firefly’s are the greatest insect ever to fly through the air and atmosphere of planet earth than you’re simply either not very cool, had a deprived childhood, or are jealous of the fact that it has an ass that emits a glowing light and you don’t. Now I think it’s safe to say that insect as a whole pretty much suck so that isn’t really saying much for the firefly here. Personally, I don’t consider the firefly to even be an insect because it isn’t. I propose to you a new species of flying, 6 legged, head thorax and abdomen toting animals called the golden-gooched-gangsters-of-the-night. Regardless of whether or not you choose to call them this from now on, you can’t deny that their glowing gooch catches your eye anytime your line of sight contains a sliver of night sky. Anytime I see one of those little buggers butts light up I just want to go outside and capture the essence of its beauty and awesomeness. Maybe I feel like if stand in the vicinity of its presence long enough it might muster a feeling of generosity that would lead it to donate its special powers for just one ass flash of my own. Just one, that’s all I ask for, I know you take it for granted, but I’m extremely jealous of your powers. That’ll probably never happen though, especially after that time in my childhood where I so excitedly captured approximately 40-50 fireflies in an empty tennis can, only to forget about them and have them all dead in the can on the living room couch, ouch.

So what do fireflies actually use this glowing gooch for, though? In some brief research I found that “Fireflies use their lights to find mates. Males flash in one pattern and females flash in another. This means fireflies don’t make embarrassing mistakes when looking for a date.” Neat little fact there and even neater is the cool little side commentary the original researcher so hilariously came up with. Think about it though, humans and fireflies are the only two animals out there capable of “flashing” members of the opposite sex. Such gangsters. They still have the one-up on us, though, because I know you wish you could get a little tricky and surprise the shit out of someone during a little nighttime sensuality. That way, too, if your ever really smashed and needed some time to yourself for a little bit, you’d easily be able to find your way back into the action quickly by spotting out the glow, a lighthouse of love if you will.

That’s all the appreciation I have for these glorious little glowers, but do yourself a favor and learn a little something about them even though it won’t make your ass glow of gold.

Most Interesting Fact - Firefly lights are the most efficient lights in the world—100% of the energy is emitted as light. Compare that to an incandescent bulb, which emits 10% of its energy as light and the rest as heat, or a fluorescent bulb, which emits 90% of its energy as light. Because it produces no heat, scientists refer to firefly lights as “cold lights.”