Verbal Haze

Get Fat or Get Packed

In a recent blogging about the show Merlin which premiered on ABC not more than a week ago, I predicted that the show would be lame and that the actor playing Merlin, while being quite a few years older, looks like more of a pussy than Harry Potter. I understand Harry Potter is Harry Potter, and has no historical background or real legend to adhere to as to how he is portrayed in appearance and in character. He is meant to be a prodigy, he is meant to be a kid, and that is ok inside of a fictional universe created by J.K. Rowling. Merlin on the other hand, is a known legend whose portrayal of character has certain boundaries and restrictions. Merlin should not be some sort of woosie-pussy type who says things like “I don’t see how Arthur could have taken any pleasure from killing the unicorn… It was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I wish you’d been there.” Merlin, I’m really sorry you had to see that happen, I love unicorns too.

I have now actually watched the show; Merlin has made his appearance on ABC, and has done so with flamboyantly flying colors. The main character is a huge puss, know-it-all type who always wins–and the dialogue is straight gay. It will probably own the “right before bedtime” time-slot for a year at best.

I have, however, decided that Medieval Clubs are cool. Not like some pussy Medieval Club who gathers to play Dungeons and Dragons in their basement all the time, I’m talking about a Medieval Club with real life battles armor, sword, and shield style. The armor would have hit recognition, and would know when it was hit with a sword. After a certain number of hits or maybe even until certain degree of pressure impact was reached, the enemy would be dead.

If that large-scale Medieval brawl doesn’t appeal to you, maybe you’d like to see the re-institution of the Coliseum. You could have 20+ people battles of well trained Gladiators fighting with various weapons, all non-lethal with hit detection. While the weapons wouldn’t be lethal, you would also be able to beat the shit out of anyone using brute force. Think UFC, with weapons, in a Roman Coliseum. You could even take the American-reality-TV-approach and have there be 1-on-1 duels where contestants would be selected from a pool of pre-designated might-be gladiators. That way you could see battles such as “The Menacing Midget with a Mustache” vs “The Fat Guy Who Thinks He’s Spiderman”.

If that doesn’t tickle your reality-TV-taste-buds then maybe you’d like it if a boatload of blubber got beached on an Island. Four teams, each with their own base camps. Each camp would be stockpiled with a certain amount of food that would get replenished every week or so. This way, there would be a benefit in raiding the enemy base as you would get extra food. This would also create epic raid situations where you would see eager overweight people trampling and raiding enemy camps with armor and weaponry. In addition, there would be random food supply drops from above that would create a temporary hotspot of battling blubbers. Aside from the brute-force-fattass you might find yourself being trapped by the clever, sneaky fattass. There would be all sorts of battle styles that would be adopted, but in the end, it’s a battle to retain weight. If by the end of the week you have lost too much fat, you’re off the island, so either get fat or get packed.

Think Survivor meets the UFC meets The Biggest Loser.