Verbal Haze

Can’t Touch This

“A 15-year-old girl with a 500-texts-a-day texting habit thumbed her way to the $50,000 grand prize at the L.G. National Texting Championship in New York on Tuesday.”

First of all, I propose a hand-dexterity-competition-of-sorts between this 15-year-old texting champion and this here Japanese Video Game Master.

Then, after the competition, we could see the winner break into a victory dance singing MC Hammer’s Can’t Touch This. Personally, I would like to see the Japanese Video Game Master win that duel, nothing better than seeing a happy-Asian trying to break dance and rap after gloriously defeating a 15-year-old texting champion.

Back to the story. This young broad won $50,000 twiddling her thumbs and ripping it up on her keypad. Ridiculous. Too bad most of that money will be going towards maintaining her Platinum-Texting-Plan-for-Teenagers-Soon-to-Have-Arthritis. The competition itself included  “straightforward tests of speed and accuracy, but others required a little extra texting savvy. In one round, texters had to send texts while blindfolded. Another round quizzed contestants’ knowledge of texting acronyms.” That sounds like a straight up texting gauntlet right there. The 15-year-old champ said,  “I felt like I was gonna die.” Well it’s a good thing you didn’t because instead of being America’s first texting related casualty you became America’s first texting champion after defeating your final competitor in the tiebraker round by out-texting her with the words  “Zippity Dooo Dahh Zippity Ayy…MY oh MY, what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine Comin’ my way….Zippitty Do Dah Zippity Aay! WondeRful Feeling Wonderful day!” Well done chief, let’s see what you had to say in your exclusive text message interview with CNN…

CNN: OMG U r ltrlly the wrld’s bst txter. How does it feel?

Moore: It feels the best! Im so prd of myself & it feels aswm that ive gottn so far!

CNN: How mny txts do u snd a day? A month?

Moore: Uhhh about lyk 400-500 in a day, an avrg of 12014 thousand a month?

CNN: Wht r u going to do w the 50 k?

Moore: Idk yet! Prlly spend a good amount of the $$$……but ya gotta save some 2 b smart of course!

CNN: Do u ever get in trubl in skwl 4 txting 2 much?

Moore: haah just once or 2ce, teachers hv seen it and taken it away…lol that sux when that happens tho.

CNN: What’s ur crzst txting story?

Moore: Haha I actually have a scar on my hand from txtingg….i was txting on the top bunk and I sat up cuz it was a cool txt and then I hit it in the ceiling fan

CNN. Do ur thumbs hurt?

Moore: Hahah not at all! Ud b surprised they don’t get stressed out.

CNN: Kthxbi.

Moore: cya!

Incredible. That’s all folks, don’t get too jealous.

Source: CNN